You're My Reason
by Huurreturkki
Summary: It's been four months since he left. What am I supposed to do with my life now? What does he think I should be doing? Without my purpose, without a reason?


**Author's Note: **_Okay, so small spoilers for 4x24. _

_So anyway, just something I wrote about Lisbon and what she could've been thinking while Jane was away. English isn't my mother tongue, so I apologize. I hope you enjoy :) ! Bonbon forever! This is my first fanfic here, so I'd really appreciate your opinions and reviews. I'd love to hear what do you think :) Thanks!_

_I don't own The Mentalist._

* * *

_**You're My Reason**_

I put my phone down. It lies there on my desk silent and dark. It doesn't beep or flash. It just lies there silent and dead.

He's not going to call.

I keep staring at my phone. It still lies there dark and dead, alone and forgotten.

Just like me.

I still can't believe he left me, without an explanation, without a word. He didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye. Although I would have not said goodbye, I would've done everything I can to make him stay. I would've helped him, I would've fixed everything and he knows that.

But obviously he didn't want my help. He cut me out. After all we've been through, he cut me out like our friendship meant nothing to him.

But maybe it didn't.

I miss him so badly it hurts but I also miss myself, the side of me when I was with him, how he completed me. He gave me a new purpose. I became his best friend, the one to help him, to be there for him, to have his back every time. I would help him, always, and he could count on that. No matter what happened, I'd be there for him. That was my purpose and it became a part of me. To be there for him. To be his. It was my new job, to be Jane's. We were always together: where Jane was, I was close behind. One couldn't exist without the other.

And now he's gone and he's taken my purpose to be, to live, away. I feel broken and cold and shattered. I don't have a reason anymore. A reason to be, reason to work, reason to live. He took it all away just like that.

I never thought I'd miss him like this. From the very first day I knew I was going to lose him someday. At the beginning I was just glad knowing that I'd get rid of him someday but when the time went by I realized that I actually enjoyed working with him. That I actually learnt to like him, learnt to like my new job, my new purpose, my new reason.

That I actually fell in love with him. And suddenly I didn't want to lose him anymore.

It ate me alive to know that he was still going to leave me someday. Somehow I was going to lose him and I just had to try to make him stay. No matter what, I had to try.

But I failed.

I blink my eyes and turn my head away from my phone. It's been four months since he left. What I am supposed to do with my life now? What does he think I should be doing? Without my purpose, without a reason? He was my purpose. He was the one who completed me. I can't exist without him.

He's all I have.

And without him, I'm just... me. The person I was eight years ago, before I met him. It's like I don't even know her anymore.

Is there me without him? Is there a reason to be me without him?

I bury my face in my hands. I swallow hard and try to calm myself down. The pain is still so fresh, it burns in my heart and makes me sick. I feel a single tear escaping down my cheek. I don't want to live without him. I want him back, so bad, it hurts physically. I haven't been sleeping or eating well. I haven't smiled or laughed or enjoyed anything. I've just felt numb and hurt and when the tears come...

There's no stopping them.

And suddenly, after six months, he comes back to me. In that church, he comes to me, like an answer to all my silent prayers. He smiles to me like he's never been away and it all feels so unreal. I should be furious and angry with him, tell him how disappointed and hurt I am, but even a single moment with him makes me so ridiculously happy, that I can't. Because even though he's hurt me, betrayed me and made me suffer for six months, I can't hate him. That smile makes my anger melt away. Only thing that matters now is that he came back. And is here with me, completes me again.

And when he tells me about his crazy plan, I don't have to even think about taking part in it. Because I'm so happy that my purpose is back. That I can once again be there for him, be the one to help him out, be the one to save him. Be his.

I've got my purpose back.

I've got him back.


End file.
